File photo used only for illustrative purpose: Village romance
If there is one thing our village is extremely good at, then it’s being
innovative. Mobile phones were a pipe dream back then, youths of
opposite s*x used very creative ways to access their objects of desire,
especially when they needed to meet at night for activities that the
Bible frowns upon.
Before girls retire for the night, they would tie a long sisal rope on
their ankles that would extend all the way out through holes made by
stray mongrels marking their territory using urine on the mud walled
houses.
At night, when fathers were dead asleep, the girl’s lovers would creep
into the homestead and tug on the rope. And just like that, parents woke
up a month later and found their daughter throwing up like madness.
Like mobile phones, these ‘improvised village calls’ came with
challenges. Sometimes the men got ‘missed calls’, that is they would tug
on the ropes, but the girl would be dead asleep and never felt a thing.
Sometimes, they dialled a ‘wrong number’.
Some would tug on the rope and out came the elder sister who was
probably going for a pee. Sometimes, the boys ‘misdialled’. They pulled
on the rope only for to hear a goat bleating!
Once in a while the girls used to get ‘spam calls’, which is when the
village night runner pulled the ropes violently and bolted off, laughing
his ass off like a lunatic.
The worst of it all was getting ‘blueticked’. That was after tugging the
rope it got hastily pulled inside and no one came out! This was due to
various reasons.
Maybe the lady heard her parents’ bed creaking and knew they were still awake and got scared of getting caught tiptoeing out.
Or maybe she could be mad at the guy for imagining she was him taking a
phone number (gesturing in ways that could suggest she was directing him
to which part of the house she s***t) from another lady. Basically,
every man yearned for a successful ‘call’.
I recall the girls at one pastor’s homestead were really famous for
calls during the holiday season. They actually turned their father’s
homes into a customer care call centre. Their phone booth was always
ringing and they ever accepted the numerous incoming ‘calls’.
People were always visiting to make some midnight deposits. However, during the day they transformed into wingless angels.
Their father, blinded by the love he had for them, he normally praised and defended the girls more than he did Jesus.
To him those were the purest of souls, and if ever came a day when the
world needed to sacrifice the untouched, to save ourselves from
calamity, this man would gladly volunteer his daughters.
So the events at the pastor’s house went on for weeks until one
particular day when he woke up in the middle of the night to answer a
call of nature and decided to take a walk around his worn out house, for
either security purposes or instructions from the witchdoctor.
As he passed the back of the house he noticed several long ropes lying on the ground.
Curious on what’s on the other end, he picked one rope and he pulled it.
The lady inside assumed her date was messing with her and decided to
let him have his fun.
The p*****g grew intense but since she couldn’t shout for fear of being
heard, the lady bit her tongue and slightly resisted the force.
This made the pastor even more motivated and he dug his heels and put
all his strength on it. Suddenly there were screams and a painfully
distressed foot popped out of the wall.
Shocked beyond words, the good old pastor was blessed with the agility
of an antelope and was found almost a kilometer away on his knees,
praying.
Amidst all the confusion, the ladies managed to safely tuck their
‘phones’ away. To date their father believes the foot of “Moses” spoke
to him.
I guess it was a win-win on both sides as the ladies never got caught
and the pastor’s congregation has doubled, as all people in the village
flooded the church to hear about the good words the foot conveyed.
As for the ladies, they got pregnant and gave birth to kids while still
living under his roof. You don’t want to know how the pastor explained
it to those who were looking up to him and his daughters.
******
Posted by , Published at Thursday, January 19, 2017 and have
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